Voice Inside My Head
by Silver Miko
Summary: songfic::Set after events of Eps. 23-25, both the thoughtsfeelings of Tsukushi and Doumyouji after the infamous TsukushiRui kiss.


Author's notes: Wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.  
  
My first Hana Yori Dango fanfic! ::giggles and glomps Doumyouji::   
  
TxT all the way, Rui is a pothead and should date a bong. :D  
  
Takes place after episodes 23-25 before Doumyouji-kun "goes" to New York and the gang goes to Canada.  
  
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'Voice Inside My Head'  
  
by Silver Miko  
  
  
  
  
  
As the rain poured outside Makino Tsukushi watched it shake the green leaves of the trees in the courtyard of Eitoku Academy from the cafeteria window. It really was perfect how the rain echoed her mood....gloomy and depressed. She should be happy though right? Hanazawa Rui wanted to be with her. Her! Makino Tsukushi! It was so unbelievable and it was what she wanted, yet.........  
  
"Doumyouji..'  
  
She recalled the beach that night, where Rui had kissed her and Doumyouji had seen it all. The look on his face...the pain.   
  
So many emotions, betrayal, hurt, heart ache.  
  
Did Doumyouji Tsukasa really love her? He has said so, but...he was so stuck up and arrogant. He was jerk to so many people. Did he even know what it was to love?  
  
Then again did she?  
  
She was in love with Rui right? She had fallen for him in the moments where he'd rescued her and those precious moments on the emergency stairs. He was so gentle and nice, unlike that violent jerk.  
  
She had pined for him, it was love right?  
  
The anticipation to get to the stairways. The butterflies in her stomach...  
  
So then why was she doubting it and thinking of Doumyouji all the time? She just couldn't help but feel devastated by his recent actions. Could she blame him though? She did hurt him a lot, and she did care for him...  
  
'Doumyouji...Hanazawa Rui...why do I feel like I'm being pulled apart?'  
  
::I miss you I miss you  
  
Hello there the angel from my nightmare  
  
the shadow in the background of the moor  
  
the unsuspecting victim  
  
of darkness in the valley we can live like Jack and Sally if you want::  
  
It was true, Doumyouji had been SUCH an asshole to her after she simply defended her friend Makiko. He had bullied her, played cruel pranks on her, turned the school against her and Kazuya after getting jealous. Hell, he'd even slapped her when she bluffed about loving Kazuya. But..he did really seem shocked by that.  
  
It was like fire, explosions whenever they were near. They were two combustable forces.   
  
Hanazawa Rui had saved her that day in the cafe, had stuck up for her...and in his own wierd way made her feel better.But...he had said things to hurt her too.  
  
Like when he had told Shizuka that Tsukushi was nothing to him.  
  
And that was another thing.  
  
Todo Shizuka. Try as she might, Tsukushi had the feeling that no matter what Rui was always going to love Shizuka more. It was like a quiet whisper that never ceased.   
  
Tsukushi didn't hate Shizuka. Not even in the slightest. Hell, even envying Shizuka made her feel guilty because she was one of the nicest people Tsukushi had ever met. She had done so much for Tsukushi, a complete stranger, without expecting anything in return.  
  
She couldn't blame Rui for loving Shizuka. She was wonderful. Even if Shizuka thought Rui liked Tsukushi a lot, Tskushi knew in Rui's heart Shizuka was most beloved.  
  
Did she love Rui for being a knight in a shining armor? For just being nice? Was that it?   
  
But then again....Doumyouji had rescued her a lot as well...albeit usually from what he started. He had saved her from the angry mob that had dragged her behind a car, had brought her home after throwing up on him at Shizuka's party...he even waited four hours in the snow for her.  
  
::Where you can always find me  
  
and we'll have Halloween on Christmas  
  
and in the night we'll wish this never ends  
  
we'll wish this never end::  
  
He was rude, outspoken, snobby, and arrogant,but...he was also oddly caring and even nice and polite. He wondered if anyone had ever seen the side of Doumyouji Tsukasa she was able to see. But now...he was, to say the least, really really pissed at her. He wouldn't even talk to her. Call her names. Nothing. And that for some reason, hurt a thousand times more than when Rui left to follow Shizuka to France.   
  
"Tsukushi-chan, are you okay?" Kazuya asked, waving a hand in front of her face.  
  
She blinked, and turned away from the window.  
  
"Yeah! I'm fine!" she said, forcing a smile. Even though the last thing she felt like doing was smiling.  
  
Funny, she seemingly got what she wanted, Hanazawa Rui, but it didn't feel like she'd thought.  
  
She felt...empty.  
  
'Could I...could I possibly really be in love with that guy?!' her thoughts yelled.  
  
And it was not Hanazawa Rui she was thinking of.  
  
  
  
::I miss you I miss you  
  
Where are you?   
  
And I'm so sorry  
  
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight  
  
I need somebody and always  
  
the sick strange darkness  
  
comes creeping on and haunting everytime::  
  
Doumyouji Tsukasa sneezed as he watched the rain fall. He was alone, having ditched Soujiro and Akira. He wasn't in the mood for their pathetic attempts at reconciling him and Rui. That was about as likely to happen as Kazuya getting laid. (AN~gomen, but I can't stand Kazuya!)  
  
There was NO WAY he was forgiving that backstabbing pot head. He had Shizuka, he had followed her to France and when it didn't work out what does Rui do? Come back to Japan and hook up with Makino on the rebound. He knew, knew that Makino liked him and didn't even give a damn that she was Doumyouji's.  
  
Or at least, he wished she was. He thought they were making progress. She seemed less hesitant around him, less jumpy. Wasn't it not so long ago they were sitting on his bed after he saved her from those assholes? He had confessed his love for her and they kissed. It was their third kiss and it was even more amazing than their accidental first kiss.  
  
He thought she liked him. That she was actually beginning to care for him and let go of Rui.  
  
'Yeah, big mistake there pal.' he thought grimly.  
  
He knew she wasn't using him, she wasn't that kind of girl. It was more like she couldn't make heads or tails of what she felt. What the hell did she even see in Rui?! She acted like a complete doofus around him, all shy and nervous and that was NOT his Makino at all!!!  
  
She was bold, strong, independant...brave.  
  
But Rui, she changed around him and she didn't even notice it.   
  
Rui knew though. He knew about Makino's feelings and didn't seem to even care that Doumyouji loved Makino. And he did. She may not believe it, sometimes even he didn't, but he did.  
  
And he knew Rui did not love Makino. As long as Shizuka was on this planet, Rui would never love Makino the way she deserved.  
  
Pity that Makino appeared to be utterly oblivious to the fact.  
  
Now everyone assumed he was fair game again, and Sakurako was taking advantage of that. She may be sort of cute, but Sanjo Sakurako was a real terror. Manipulative, snobby...  
  
His mother would love her.  
  
No wonder Tsubaki didn't like her.  
  
He blinked.   
  
Tsubaki did however really like Makino. It was no wonder, Makino was SO like Tsubaki it was almost eerie. Makino wasn't rich, not even middle class...but she was tough, smart, gutsy..she wasn't looking for hand outs or easy ways out. He had offered her things, and she'd gotten pissed at him.  
  
Even though he acted offended, secretly part of him was glad she was like that.  
  
He remebered at Shizuka's party, when she had seen him with those flashy girls then brushing off those businessmen. Everyone in his class saw him as an heir, a tool. Women only liked him for his status.   
  
But Makino....she saw him as a person.  
  
And God...he really missed her.  
  
::And as I stared I counted  
  
the webs from all the spiders  
  
catching things and eating their insides  
  
like indecision to call you  
  
and here your voice of treason  
  
will you come home and stop this pain tonight  
  
Just stop this pain tonight::  
  
"Makino...why?" he whispered to himself, clenching a fist and slamming it into the wall.  
  
'Why can't you love me back?!' he thought. He looked at his hand, the bruises now forming on his knuckles. She really drove him crazy. He had been so SO mad after seeing that footage from Atami that he'd actually assaulted her, but stopped at her sobbing. He'd never lost control like THAT before. It scared him, that one person could affect him so much without trying. The truth was...that for all his physical strange, wealth, and influence...she would beat him no matter what. She had a strength over him he couldn't seem to beat.  
  
And honestly he never wanted to really try.  
  
Now he would most likely never feel those soft lips, hear her say his name so breathlessly...he would even miss her clobbering him.   
  
Everytime she was with Rui it was like a knife in the heart, twisting. He couldn't deal with it and so he shut down. Shut himself off from her.   
  
It hurt too much. He still had some pride left.  
  
But...he wanted her back. He needed more than he ever needed anyone in his life.  
  
She was there in his mind, with him everywhere. He could pretend with Sakurako, but it was only a means to attempt to forget. But he couldn't forget.   
  
  
  
::Don't waste your time on me you're already the voice inside my head  
  
I miss you I miss you  
  
Don't waste your time on me you're already the voice inside my head  
  
I miss you I miss you::  
  
Doumyouji stood up and ran. Ran out of the courtyard, pass the gates, and away from Eitoku. He just couldn't take it anymore. It was too much. He hated Eitoku, truly hated it the past few days. He cursed it for meeting Makino there. He thanked it for meeting Makino there. He loved it for giving him power over his peers, he hated it and couldn't wait to escape it. Escape where he didn't have to be forced to play a role. To have so many expectations placed on him.  
  
Maybe that's what he loved most about Makino.  
  
She didn't expect anything from him.  
  
As he ran around the corner he saw a familiar figure also running, wearing the familiar beige and brown Eitoku school uniform, her long auburn hair trailing behind her. She had released it from her braids she'd been wearing earlier.  
  
Maybe it was his thoughts, or that he was so tired of running..  
  
"Makino!!!" he called out, watching her slow and skid to a halt where she turned around and gaped at him.  
  
"D..Doumyouji..." she murmured, glancing at him with a wide eyed gaze.  
  
He walked closer to her, his face showing no emotion.  
  
"Skipping classes could get to suspended or even expelled." he muttered, glancing at the cars passing them.  
  
She furrowed her brows.  
  
"I'm sure you would love that, seeing as you recently tried having me expelled." she murmured, crossing her arms and and looking away from him.  
  
"I think you know just what it is I love...but I suppose I won't say anything to the principal seeing as I ran off from school as well." he said, glancing at her, noticing her biting her lip.  
  
"Doumyouji...I....I'm sor.."  
  
"Don't apologize, Makino. I don't want to hear it. Try to figure out what the hell you want and maybe then you can say sorry to me."   
  
And with that he walked off past her.  
  
And she just blinked and watched him go.  
  
"Figure out what I want? What...does he.." she stopped, her words dying on her tongue.  
  
Of course he saw it, her indecisiveness. Because he was the only one who seemed to be looking at her honestly as Makino Tsukushi, not some strange nervous girl on the stairs or the working virgin.  
  
Despite insulting her and calling her poor, Doumyouji Tsukasa saw her for her. And she doubted even Hanazawa Rui could see that person.   
  
And thinking about that, she couldn't help her next words, her usual manners forgotten.  
  
"What the fuck have I done!" she murmured sadly, slapping a hand over her face and sighing. Right now, she really just wanted a nap.   
  
She looked at her watch.  
  
1:15.  
  
And she couldn't even go home until 3:30.   
  
'I should have just followed that baka. Even after everything I still...I still want to have him around.' she thought, lamenting as she made her to a cheap cafe.  
  
At least she could afford some coffee.  
  
::Don't waste your time on me you're already the voice inside my head  
  
I miss you I miss you  
  
Don't waste your time on me you're already the voice inside my head  
  
I miss you I miss you::  
  
*****************  
  
Les Fin  
  
I just realized the song I REALLY wanted to do a HYD fic was 'Always'.  
  
'I Miss You' is performed by Blink 182, off their new self-titled CD, as is 'Always'.  
  
  
  
OMG! WTF was Tsukushi thinking! Rui is a total pot head!!! What the heck would they do on dates? Eat brownies?   
  
The poor girl is so fricking indecisive.  
  
Poor Doumyouji, I can't blame the guy for getting mad. He really does care a lot about her, even if he suckkkksssss at showing it.  
  
ANYWAYS!  
  
This was a nice break from my Aoshi/Misao fics, something a little different. Which is good cuz I REALLY would hate to get bored of A/M fics.  
  
Aoshi-sama wo aishiteru!!!  
  
I had a dream last night about, of all things, 'Dark Shadows' and it was REALLY REALLY cool!!! For those who don't know, 'Dark Shadows' was a kickass soap about vampires, werewolves, ghosts, etc. etc. that ran from 1966-1971 on ABC and Port Charles tried unsucessfully to rip it off.  
  
It's the show from wence the imcomparable Barnabas Collins came from. He's in the Vampire Encyclopedia! Go Barn!  
  
Anyway, I love DS and hope to get all the Box Sets soon.  
  
I think I'm going to do a fic based on my dream because it was so..fucking...cool...  
  
I'm a little annoyed Sci-fi isn't showing it anymore now but eh..Box sets.  
  
Alright...off to read.   
  
REVIEWS APPRECIATED VERY MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


End file.
